Friends & Acquaintances.
BRO.
My younger sibling with whom I spend a fair amount of drinking time. He too is a connoiseur of draught beer and has a deep loathing of modern life. His fantasy world is back in the late forties and early fifties when Foster's was a tailor's shop and Carlsberg was somewhere in Norway. Beer was always excellent and foaming in the glass in those halcyon post-war days. In keeping with this fantasy he has an abiding interest in outmoded forms of transport. Steam locomotives, propellor driven aircraft and vintage motors all hold an appeal for him. This is, of course, because he just missed out on the period he romanticises about.
Sport plays an important role in his life and he enjoys the vagaries of following one of the most exasperating football teams in the country. However loyalty is very important to him and he will have no truck with those who do them down. He is also an accomplished cricketer and was known at the club where he played as 'Ronnie' due to his red-laced boots, (Ronald MacDonald). When not inside pubs he will be found doing a variety of jobs, (slowly), around the house and garden at the behest of his good lady wife.
MICK
An old friend of mine and Bro's who has been unwell recently. Mick is an unchanging presence in a constantly changing world. Bulky and stubborn, old fashioned and uncompromising Mick provides a reassuring touchstone. Once he was a goalkeeper, playing a good standard of football, he was also an accomplished cricketer known for his block, block, six technique, but now he is content merely to down his beer. Of course he claims injury prevents him from competing and who am I to argue. He is also a keen reader of road maps and knows every short cut and back road. Ask him about the B4233 and he will tell you if there are roadworks in the vicinity and the quickest route round them. He can be often spotted with his friend the Woodbutcher. Mick is also well known for his 'little big finger' or is it his 'big little finger'. A keen sports fan and amateur photographer Mick is always good company.
MRS. PINT and the HALF-PINTS
My dear long-suffering spouse is the one who packs me off to bed when I arrive home worse for wear, gives me and my brother lifts to various alehouses and generally behaves in a responsible manner when I do not. Mrs. Pint likes a glass or two of wine when we venture out together and prevents me from making an ass of myself. She is the perfect lady wife. (Now that I have said this I shall try to tempt her out for a beer tonight.) The half-pints are quickly growing up and cannot be known by the soubriquet for much longer. Neither seems to have great deal of interest in alcohol, probably as a result of them seeing what it has done to their father.
WOODBUTCHER
What can one say about this enthusiastic, sport-mad, footballing, golfing, fund raiser? He seems to have always been around, especially when beer is involved. He used to be a carpenter although we dispute this, but now restricts his woodbutchery to doing odd jobs at the weekend for unsuspecting clients. He has an endearing stammer that no-one notices any longer and is a fanatical Manchester United supporter. Can often be found on a Friday night in my local, harassing members of the drinking public to have a go on the pub blackout.
AL
Al is what one might loosley term an environmentalist. He cares about all things living, fish, frogs, snails trees and beer are all important to him. He is a well educated man who can hold his own on any topic of conversation. He has recently retrained as a plumber having had enough of teaching as a career. He is originally from the big smoke and sometimes a cockney twang sneaks into his speech. Often to be found with Akin attempting to play cribbage.
AKIN
Another upstanding citizen who is of Turkish descent but also hails from 'Landan'. He has, through hard work, turned himself into a fair cricketer although he started form a low base line. Akin has a languid posture and a swarthy appearance. Like many continentals he is most active at night. He has had a running battle with nicotene all his adult life which at present, the latter is winning.
SPOCK
An old friend who I have known for 30 odd years and whom we occasionaly meet on our travels. Spock is well known for his amazingly logical mind even when he has drunk vast quantities of ale. A veteran rugby player Spock often joins the club in their mad evening's entertainment as they destroy the usual calm, and occasionally furniture, of our rural pubs. Not a man to suffer fools gladly, Spock will fix such people with his steely gaze and bring all his powers of sarcasm to bear. Often drunk but never noticeably pissed Spock continues to be a source of wonderment to lesser mortals.
PEARL
An old acquaintance in every sense of the word. Despite his being over ninety Pearl has an active imagination whereby he sees himself as a sex god. He is, however, splendid company with his tales and stories of sex, drugs and rock'n'roll. His appearance at present is that of Franz Hals Laughing Cavalier or alternatively, and perhaps more appropriately, Colonel Sanders. Pearl has a gorgeous wife who frequently accompanies him on his drinking excursions to monitor his behaviour. His nickname comes form a certain practise of a sexual nature that Pearl has performed many more times in his fevered imagination than in actuality. Porn is a topic dear to his heart and conversation inevitably turns to this after ten minutes or so.
STEVIE & KATIE
The latest in a line of landlords who have run my home from home, the Oak. Actually it is the blonde hand-grenade, (she doesn't quite qualify as a bombshell), Katie, who holds the licence, (close to her ample bosom). The pair are both local to our small and perfectly formed village. Stevie is a good lad and what he lacks in height he more than makes up for with a cheeky chappie persona. As I write, I must say that the pub has prospered since they took it over and the beer is always kept in top condition. They have recently signed up for 21 years so it would seem the trend is set to continue.
WEE JOCK
The smell of mouldering haggis and decaying bagpipes come to mind but actually Wee Jock is a perky,slightly overweight fellow from north of the border. A keen sportsman who sometimes plays rugby and also enjoys hurling himself down a mountain with two wooden planks strapped to his feet. He has many endearing qualities such as his love of foreign holidays like as a week in Albania or a few days away in Turkmenistan. Wee Jock is never short of companions who seem to be taken in by his gaelic charm. We old timers know better and tend to give him a lot of stick all of which he takes in good part. Och aye the noo!
PINNERS
Actually a friend of Bro's who is a serious contender for drinker of the year, (any year). Pinners is a brewer, ( Lichfield Brewery), cricketer and raconteur who is never short of a story that is guaranteed to raise a laugh. He is well known in every pub in Lichfield as he continues on a one man mission to drink the area dry. Often to be found in the company of ROWLANDS, PIGSWILL, GENITALS, SNAPPER.
ROWLANDS, PIGSWILL, GENITALS and SNAPPER These four can be lumped together like the horsemen of the apocalypse. Rowlands is a cheery but rather reclusive soul who is a partner in the Lichfield brewery and can usually be found moaning about the injustices of the industry, with which I have some sympathy. Pigswill is a large rotund and hearty barman who is good company. Genitals is an ancient and gnarled gnome-like figure who is also known as the 'silly old fool'. Snapper is a Liverpudlian and behaves just as one would expect a person from there to behave.
ROG. (prounounced Roj).
Once my next door neighbour Rog and his lady wife moved away to that beer desert that is Norfolk. Now, twenty years later he is back in the village again and I am in the process of weaning him off Pedigree and on to something rather better. Rog is a bit of an old hippie at heart and therefore maintains a fairly shaggy hairstyle and always wears desert boots.
GANDHI AND THE ACID QUEEN
Gandhi has been the landlord of almost every pub in the village with the exception of the SoM. Accompanying him throughout has been the Acid Queen who, to put it bluntly, is one scary lady. However he remains a good natured bloke who is now enjoying his retirement by drinking on the other side of the bar. I always thought he earned his nickname because of his stick-like appendages that were on show when he played football but it appears that his soubriquet is a result of his being born in India. He is, sadly, a long time supporter of West Brom but we still like him.
ABSENTEE LANDLORD, ATTILLA and OTHERS
I only mention these as they may appear in earlier diary entries. The Absentee Landlord was a jovial and large presence behind the bar....when he decided to do some work. More often than not he would be nowhere to be seen but did a good job at getting different beers to the brewery's guest list. His move to Derby was lamented at the time and he will be remembered fondly. Attilla's brief and disasterous reign lasted only for a couple of months before he packed his bags and went back to Sheffield. He will be remembered as the man who tried to turn a village local into a town lager house, unsuccessfully thank the lord. He goes unlamented. Previous landlords have included Gandhi, Cookey and Kath and Eric who were my personal favourites. Now the baton has been taken up by Katie and Stevie who are making a damn good fist of things .
